Fire Emblem: Path of Luminosity
by LyallAurion
Summary: Pretty much a comedic version of Fire Emblem: Path of Radiance, except with lots of useless dialogue. Ike's a moron, Shinon's desperate for beer, and everyone loves to steal from Soren. Rated M to be safe. Next chapter FINALLY up sorry, people .
1. Ballista Fodder

Lyall: Umm, I don't know why I feel like doing this. Maybe because I'm obsessed with Soren and Reyson. Maybe because I'm bored. And maybe because some dorks on DeviantART think that Soren's showing off his legs in FE 10. GAWD, HE'S WEARING PANTS FOR GOD'S SAKE! (seething for no apparent reason)

Soren: ... (twitch)

Ike: Haha! (pokes Soren)

Soren: (breaks Ike's finger)

Ike: NOOOOOOOO!!! (cries) I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS!

Soren: We are.

Ike: Heal plz.

Soren: No. (leaves)

Ike: (sad) Mist?

Mist: OMG SOREN YOU MEANIE! (kicks Soren)

Soren: ... (is now totally gone)

Lyall: OMG SOREN COME BAAAAACK! (sad) Fine, be that way. (huggles Reyson)

Reyson: ... (creeped out)

Ike: PAY ATTENTION TO MEEEE! I have a broken limb, anyways.

Mist: (heals Ike)

Ike: YESH!

Lyall: Hey, Soren, go write a disclaimer thingy I can post at the top of every story so I don't have to keep saying that I don't own Fire Emblem, its characters, places, etc. for every single chapter.

Soren: Fine... (being forced to as I rule; mwahahaha)

Lyall: Oh yeah, my brother's helping me with this. He usually helps on parodies and stuff. He does most of the funny parts. I do these rant things. (pleased with self) Another warning (I guess), most of the chapters' content are just random stuff my brother and I throw in. Not a lot of the actual chapter, I guess. Oh well.

---

"HIIIIYAAAAAAHHH!!!" Ike charged at his father, sword in hand. Greil easily parried and pushed Ike back a few meters.

"GAWD!" Ike shouted. "JUST LET ME WIN ONCE IN MY LIFE!"

"But then you wouldn't be learning," Greil said. "And besides, you suck."

"Gah, screw you," Ike muttered as he pulled himself back up. "And for your information, I only moderately suck."

"God, I have better things to do than train a wimp," Greil mumbled. Just then, Boyd came waltzing down, chewing on a twig.

"BALLISTA FODDER, GET OVER HERE!" shouted Greil. Boyd looked at him. 

"You mean me?" Boyd asked while pointing to himself.

"Yes, you, dumbnuts." Greil dragged Boyd over next to him. "Good news, you're gonna train Ike to be a proper mercenary," Greil told Boyd.

"I don't wanna!" Boyd whined.

"I UPGRADED YOU TO BALLISTA FODDER! NOW SHOW SOME RESPECT!"

"YES, BALLISTA FODDER!" Boyd started jumping up and down. "Now Rolf will start to respect me!"

"And to keep that title, you need to beat up Ike," Greil said. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have things to do. Mist, you make sure they don't kill each other or something." Greil left.

"All right, Ikey, let's fight!" Boyd shouted at Ike, who was at a distance of around eight squares away (or something).

"SWEET, IT'S LIKE WE'RE ON A CHESS BOARD!" Ike squealed as he gazed at the black squares that spontaneously appeared. "Can I be a rook?"

"Just fight Boyd so I can play patty cake with Rolf!" Mist screeched. "I'M WASTING PRECIOUS PATTY CAKE TIME WATCHING YOU TWO!"

"Okay, okay, sheesh..." Ike muttered as he started to advance towards Boyd. All of a sudden, he couldn't walk anymore.

"The hell?" Ike said in disbelief.

Dun dun dun dunnnnn... Big, red, fancy letters spelled out "ENEMY PHASE" (or something) above the field. Ike couldn't stop looking at the shiny letters. To be expected, as he had never been in an _actual_ fight. Boyd couldn't move for some reason.

"WHAT THE HELL?" Boyd screamed. "I CAN'T MOVE!"

Then the same letters spelled "PLAYER PHASE," except in blue.

"Does that mean I get to move?" Ike asked Boyd, two squares away.

"Duhh..." Boyd replied, realizing the narrator was being mean and wanting Ike to beat the shit out of him and for him to lose his "Ballista Fodder" rank. Ike walked over to Boyd and beat the crap out of him. Hey, I suck at battle scenes.

"YES, I WIN!" Ike shouted in victory.

"...That was just a fluke," Boyd muttered.

"Yay Ike!" Mist cheered. "Can I go play patty cake with Rolf now?"

"Aren't I supposed to have a rematch with Dad now?" Ike asked.

"PATTY. CAKE. NOW," Mist said, right eye twitching.

"..."

"..."

Then Greil walked down the path.

"So, Boyd, did you win?" Greil asked.

"I was going easy on him," Boyd said.

"But I still won," Ike said.

"Okay, Boyd, since you lost, I'll have to demote you back to 'Asswipe,'" Greil announced.

"SHIT! Now I'll never get Rolf's respect..." Boyd pouted and then left.

"Ookay...anyways, Dad, can I have a rematch?" Ike asked his father.

"Sure, son," Greil responded and got out his ginormous, maneater axe.

"No, Daddy, you'll kill him!" Mist shouted.

"Why are you still here?" Ike asked. "Aren't you supposed to be playing with Rolf about now?"

"I have to give something to you first, though," Mist said as she walked over to Ike and handed him a Vulnerary.

"WHAT? THIS ONLY HAS **TWO** MORE USES LEFT!" Ike screamed and smacked Mist on the back of her head. "WHAT IF I WERE IN THE MIDDLE OF A BATTLE? I'D BE **DEAD**! NOW TAKE THIS THING BACK AND GIVE ME ONE WITH **THREE** USES!" Ike smacked Mist's head again. Mist started crying and ran away.

"Okay, I'm ready to fight!" Ike shouted to Greil.

"Okay then," Greil said. Then a mysterious voice came out from the axe.

_"I'm hungry...FEED ME."_

Greil threw his ginormous, maneater axe into a tree and pulled out a giant baguette club thing.

"All right, son, come at me with full force!"

Then the chess board squares appeared again.

"YAY!" Ike cheered. Greil advanced towards Ike and hit him with the baguette club thing.

"GAH!" Ike screamed. Then the arena faded to black and big words spelled "GAME OVER." Then Ike woke up from his unconsciousness.

"Wha...what the heck happened?" Ike asked.

"You got a game over," Greil said.

"Does that mean I win?" Ike asked.

"No."

"...Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"Reeeally sure?"

"YES."

"Reeeeeaaaallllyyy sure?"

"**YES.**"

"Really sure?"

"FINE, YOU WIN!" Greil screamed and walked away.

"Sheesh, he didn't have to be such a sore loser," Ike muttered. "It's not my fault I'm so good."

Later at the base, Ike was boasting about his "win."

"...and then, I totally got a "game over"!" Ike proudly said.

Everyone stared at him as if he had a brain tumor.

"I've lost faith in you, Ike," Boyd said.

"I never had faith in him," Shinon remarked.

"That's because you end up working for Daein," Titania mumbled.

"How would you know?" Shinon asked.

Titania quickly hid the game script behind her back.

"Just a guess..."

Ike then continued to ramble about his "win".

The next day, Greil told Ike to take Titania, Oscar, and Boyd to run bandits out of Caldea, a small village. When the four left, Greil sighed.

"If Ike dies, that's one less paycheck to sign."

A few hours later, Ike and the others returned, carrying an extra Steel Sword and Seraph Robe.

"Woot, we looted stuff from the townsfolk!" Ike cheered as he stared at the stuff.

"Damn, they came back," Greil muttered.

---

Ike: NO, I GOT A GAME OVER! (shamed)

Boyd: Haha, you suck. I NEVER got a game over!

Ike: (gives Boyd a fatal wound) Now you did.

Boyd: NOOOOOO! (Boyd's screen fades into blackness)

Rolf: Oscar, I can depend on you, right?

Oscar: Of course, Rolf! Unlike Boyd, I am actually responsible, good-mannered, and not to mention my dashing good looks.

Boyd: (in underworld) SCREW YOU, OSCAR!

Lyall: OH NO, WHERE DID SOREN GOOOO?

Ike: (looks in the official guide from Nintendo Power) Umm, he appears in Chapter Four...

Lyall: Oh yeah. Yay! Anyways, the last bit of this chapter was supposed to be an actual chapter (you know, the first actual chapter in the game), but I totally forgot. Yay.


	2. Colored Pencils

Lyall: Woo, chappie two!

Boyd: That's not a lot, you know.

Lyall: Shut up. Anyways, Soren, did you get that disclaimer header thing I asked you to do.

Soren: ...

Boyd: LET'S PRACTICE OUR TRIANGLE ATTACK!

Rolf: I don't wanna...

Oscar: You need to rewrite that script...

Boyd: C'MON, IT'S FINE! And a one, and a two...

Rolf/Oscar: ...Fine...

Boyd: AND A THREEEE...!

(Oscar, Boyd, and Rolf practice)

Lyall: You will see the end result in Chapter 19. And Soren, you still need to write that thing.

Soren: ...

Rolf: I DON'T WANNA BE A POKEMON!

Boyd: DO IT!

Rolf: Waaah...!

---

Outside, Rhys was busy watering the gardenias and talking to the Jack Sparrows.

"CAW, I'M JACK SPARROW!"

"I'M JACK SPARROW!"

"A JACK I'M SPARROW!"

"SPARROW JACK I'M CAW!"

"!WORRAPS KCAJ M'I, WAC"

"BUENOS DIAS, AMIGOS!"

"MURKROW!"

"Oh dear, the Jack Sparrows aren't as clever as they used to be," Rhys remarked. He continued to water the flowers and talk to the deformed Jack Sparrows. Heck, one of them had dyslexia.

Titania walked over.

"Rhys, what are you doing up so early? Is your fever gone?" Titania asked.

"Ah, yes, I'm perfectly fine, Titania," Rhys said.

"Are you sure? We can't have you catching another cold," Titania said.

"It's all right. I'm not a little kid."

"I just don't want our only healer to lay immobile for another week. Ike recently got game over, you know."

Meanwhile, behind the base of operations...

"Douche, **this** is how you properly hold a bow!"

"I'm sorry!"

"Man, you suck. Why did you want me to teach you how to use a bow, anyways?"

"So I don't turn out like Boyd!"

"Mm, good point. Let's continu--NO, DON'T DO THAT!"

Inside the base, Ike was practicing dramatic battle poses.

"BOY, STOP POSING! I have to tell you something. I'm taking Gatrie and Shinon out for missions."

"Ugh, THAT tub of lard?" Ike shuddered.

Back to Rhys and Titania.

"Oh yes, I forgot. Some man wanted to give you this letter." Rhys handed Titania a small envelope. Titania opened the letter and it read:

2 duh read hare gurl

eye haff tooken ur frends lttl grl lttl boi hahahahahaha i rul if u wont 2 sea dem agen brng lotsa monies 2 hour bass u no dat shak neer deh phork in duh rode

evl bandyt man Eekaanuu

"Oh no!" Titania exclaimed. "That fiend!"

"Yeah, he forgot to put his address on it!" Rhys said.

"No, not that! Rhys, listen. I'll be gone for a little while."

"Why?" Rhys asked.

"The bandits have taken Mist and Rolf as collateral for Gold! I'll try to find their base. And whatever you do, don't tell anyone, especially Ike!"

"Why?" Rhys asked.

"Because he'll do something really stupid," Titania said. She then mounted on her horse and rode off.

"Oh dear, oh dear..." Rhys muttered as he ran to the mess hall.

When Rhys entered the mess hall, he saw Ike and Boyd playing cards. Oscar was staring at his fingernails. Ike noticed Rhys and waved.

"Hey, Rhys! Nice day, huh? It's not like my sister got captured by dumb bandits or anything, right? Totally awesome day. Wanna watch me smoke Boyd and get his colored pencil?"

"Uhm, Ike--" Rhys started.

"Yeah, Rolf couldn't have been captured, either. I mean, he was playing outside just like three minutes ago," Boyd said, scanning his hand of cards.

"Ike--" Rhys started again.

"OH YEAH, BABY! FULL HOUSE!" Ike slammed his full house on the table.

"Guh, I got junk again," Boyd mumbled as he gave his limited edition shiny sky blue colored pencil to Ike.

"IKE, LISTEN!" Rhys screamed at Ike. The whole room fell silent, and everyone was staring at him.

"Jeez, no need to yell," Ike yawned. "I heard you the first time."

"Wow, I never knew Rhys could yell like that," Oscar remarked as he went back to manicuring.

"Ike, where was Mist in the last hour?" Rhys asked.

"Uhh..." Ike pondered. "Oh ya, some totally ugly freak asked me if he could walk our dog."

"...But we don't have a dog!" Rhys exclaimed, hands on his head.

"Exactly, so I gave him Mist," Ike said smugly.

"IKE, THAT GUY WAS AN EVIL BANDIT! HE KIDNAPPED MIST AND ROLF!" Rhys shouted then realized he wasn't supposed to tell them. Good going, one of the only sane people around.

"MY GOD, HE WAS A BANDIT?" Ike realized in horror.

"Rolf! Oh no!" Oscar moaned.

"Yeah, okay, Ike, I'll place my silver pencil up if you're willing to risk your metal paintbrush," Boyd said, oblivious to what Rhys just said.

"Cool," Ike responded as he washed the card deck. "I'm also gonna bet three Gold."

Rhys was fuming.

"WHAT PART OF 'MIST AND ROLF GOT KIDNAPPED BY EVIL BANDITS' DO YOU TWO NOT UNDERSTAND!" Rhys yelled at Ike and Boyd.

"Um, Ike, isn't three Gold pieces a bit much? You sure you got all of that?" Boyd asked, tuning Rhys out.

"Yeah, I don't know if I have that much. Lemme check." Ike pulled out his wyvern-skin wallet. "Sorry, I only gots two Gold pieces. Spent the rest on this wallet."

"Ehh, lucky..." Boyd mumbled as Ike dealed out the cards.

"Oh no, I ran out of nail varnish!" Oscar screamed shrilly, like Mist.

Rhys sighed.

"Umm, guys...?"

"Right! Sorry, Rhys!" Oscar quickly got up, changed into his battle armor, grabbed an Iron Axe, and ran out the door to the stables.

"Umm, Boyd, doesn't Oscar use lances?" Ike asked.

"...Hey, you're right! Sharp thinking, Ike," Boyd said.

"Can you guys stop fooling around? We need to rescue Mist and Rolf!" Rhys exclaimed while grabbing a Heal staff. Strangely enough, he was told not to do anything. OMG HE'S ACTING LIKE IKE!

"Fine..." Ike mumbled as he packed the cards into their container.

"Man, I really wanted that paintbrush," Boyd groaned as he grabbed a lance.

"Uh, Boyd, don't **you** use axes?" Ike asked.

"Yeah, I was thinking I could trade with Oscar," Boyd explained.

"Smart, Boyd!" Ike remarked. He then got his Iron Sword that was laying on the table. "Let's move out!"

Ike, Boyd, Oscar, and Rhys left the base and eventually ended up at a forked road.

"Duhh, where do we go?" Ike asked, slightly drooling.

"Obviously right. Right is _right_, you know," Boyd pointed out.

"Um, guys, are we lost?" Rhys asked timidly.

"I've been here before," Oscar said. "The bandit's shack is to the left."

"That works," Boyd said. "You know what they say, two lefts make a right."

"That's not the saying..." Oscar replied.

"Same diff," Boyd scoffed.

"C'mon, guys, we have a rescue mission to carry out!" Ike said, now suddenly all heroic.

At the bandit shack...

"Wah...waaaaaah!" Rolf cried. "I don't wanna die!"

"Hmph, I am NOT a dog!" Mist fumed.

"M-Mist, a-are we gonna die...?" Rolf asked, crying.

"Of course we are!" Mist said. "Haven't you read tragedy novels?"

"Umm, no," Rolf said.

"I read Soren's," Mist said. "They're all angsty and stuff."

"Ohh," Rolf said. "Oscar's gonna save us, right?"

"Of course!" Mist said. "And Ike and Titania, too!" Wow, talk about change of perspective.

Back to Ikey and his motley crew!

"We're here!" Ike announced loudly.

"How do _you_ know?" Boyd sneered.

"Simple. I can smell them," Ike said. "I'm part wolf sub-human!"

"Okay, one, isn't the technical term 'Laguz,' and two, wouldn't that make you a Branded?" Oscar asked intelligently.

"What's a--" Ike and Boyd started, but a really nasty odor filled the air.

"heehee i haff tooks ur lttl grrly boy az hostigizes hahahahaha i rul," Ikanau cackled.

"MY GOD, PEOPLE ACTUALLY **TALK** LIKE THAT?" Oscar exclaimed, absolutely horrified.

"You're going down!" Rhys shouted. "You forgot to put a return address!"

"wuzza riternne adris," Ikanau asked, scratching his head.

"GAH, THE ILLITERACY **BURNS**!" Boyd screamed, clutching his head. "MY HEAD!"

Ikanau walked near his little shack.

"heeheeheehee u wil knot life az longue az eye life," Ikanau boomed, releasing more icky odors into the air.

"AUGH, THE SMELL! IT **BURNS**!" Ike yelped as he clutched his face.

Meanwhile, at the Talrega Floodgates...

"Oh no, there's a hole in the ozone layer!" a Soldier pointed out.

"Reinforce the floodgates!" shouted another.

Oki, back to the main scenario.

"You three, battle positions!" Ike commanded. Oscar and Boyd went to the front, and Rhys was in the back.

"All right, let's go!" Ike shouted. Then the cool battle grid appeared.

"Wait!" Boyd said. "Me and Oscar hafta trade." Those two traded weapons.

"Why'd you take an axe, anyway, Oscar?" Rhys asked.

"Well, since Titania isn't here, I thought I could be her instead," Oscar explained.

"Okay, let's kill that guy first!" Ike pointed to the Myrmidon northwest of them. Boyd ran up to the guy and wildly waved his axe in the dude's face. The Myrmidon smacked Boyd's face with the pommel of his sword. Boyd then fell unconscious.

"Oh gawd, he sucks more than I do!" Ike exclaimed.

Oscar sighed. "I'll finish the guy off." He rode up the Myrmidon and stabbed his spleen with his lance. The Myrmidon eventually died off of his spleen's poisoning.

After their first kill, Rhys quickly scurried over to heal Boyd, but a enemy ambusher appeared and started to run towards Rhys.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!" Rhys screamed and used Boyd as a meat shield. Boyd got stabbed by a sword. Ike finally managed to run over and kill the ambusher.

"You guys suck! Why did my dad hire you?" Ike questioned.

"No, we hired HIM!" Oscar said, trying to hide the fact that he sucked. Rhys was busy healing Boyd.

"GUYS, HE WON'T WAKE UP!" Rhys cried as he was shaking Boyd's head back and forth. "MAKE HIM WAAAKE UP!!!"

"Since Boyd'll be out cold for the next couple of turns, we might as well use him as a human shield," Ike suggested.

"Good thinking, Ike!" Oscar replied.

"Not a good idea," a mysterious voice said.

"Is that...?" Rhys started.

"It can't be!" Ike said.

"It is!" Oscar exclaimed.

"TITANIA!" The three conscious mercenaries cheered.

"Uh, who?" the stranger said, puzzled. "My name's Geoffrey."

"Haha, that's a funny name," Boyd commented, then fell back unconscious.

Geoffrey stared at Boyd. "Is he all right?"

"Yeah, sure," Ike said. "Anyways, why the hell are you here?"

"I'm here to evaluate your skills," he replied.

"Eww," Ike said.

"I'm not gay..." Geoffrey pouted and rode off.

"That was weird," Oscar said.

"I know! Now can we go kill stuff again? I wanna try using Boyd," Ike said, picking up Boyd's body.

"No you won't," said another voice.

"YAY, GEOFFREY'S BACK!" Ike cheered.

"...What? I'm Titania!" Titania said.

"Haha, that's a funny name," Boyd commented (again), and fell back unconscious (again).

"What are your four _doing_ here?" Titania asked. "And Rhys, I thought you weren't going to tell anyone!"

"Actually, Rhys kinda wanted to come here first," Ike said. "He just HAD to ruin my chance to win more pencils from Boyd."

"N-No I didn't!" Rhys protested. "Titania, those three wanted to come first! I tried telling them not to, but they didn't listen!"

"LIEZ!" Oscar shouted at Rhys.

"Ugh, whatever happened, I don't care. Commander Greil will deal with you all later. Now, our main objective is to rescue Mist and Rolf," Titania said. "March!"

Titania and co. eventually made their way through the bandits, Ike using Boyd as a meat shield half of the time, though he got hit by Boyd's axe once Boyd woke up.

"THAT'S FOR USING ME AS A SHIELD!" Boyd shouted at Ike as he started choking him.

"That's enough!" Titania hollered and pulled Boyd off of Ike. "We have more pressing matters to focus on right now!"

"Deputy Commander, Ikanau's over there," Oscar said, pointing to Ikanau, who was picking his nose and eating whatever he got out. The five made their way to Ikanau.

"Hand over the children or we'll kill you!" Ike shouted to the leader bandit.

"heeheehee eye dont theenk soe," Ikanau sniggered. He ran over to the shack and pulled Mist and Rolf out.

"Brother, Titania, you two came to save us!" Mist cried.

"Oscar!" Rolf cried.

"Hey, what about me?" Boyd said.

"Oh, yeah, sure," Rolf said. "Oscar, Titania, Ike, help us!"

Ikanau grabbed Mist's wrist.

"Eww, get off of me!" Mist screamed as she tried to pull away.

"eyell starte wif duh lttl grl if u dont wont herr ded drop ur wepins hahahahahaha i rul," Ikanau said.

"The hell?" Ike said.

"We have no other choice," Titania said as she dropped her axe.

"Titania, but--!" Oscar tried to say.

"DROP YOUR WEAPONS! ALL OF YOU!" she commanded. Everyone dropped their weapons.

"Aww man, my axe broke," Boyd whined.

"ok nao kik dem ovur heer so u cant uze dem," Ikanau commanded.

"Fine," Titania said. "C'mon, you all." The five kicked their weapons over to Ikanau.

"wat dis dis wepin iz brokes," Ikanau said as he saw Boyd's axe. "aniwei were wuz i oh yuh mwahahaha nao i shal kil duh grrl hahahahaha i rul." Ikanau got his Iron Axe and started to swing it at Mist's neck.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" Mist screamed.

"MIST! NO!" Ike shouted.

All of a sudden, a tranquilizer dart hit Ikanau's rear.

"wat happin," he dumbly said.

"Shit, he's not down." Ike and the others heard a voice from the nearby forest.

"Just shoot more," another voice said.

More tranquilizer darts shot Ikanau in various places. After about twenty, the guy finally fell down. Mist and Rolf quickly ran over to Ike and Oscar, respectively.

"Who was that?" Ike asked.

"Me, of course." Shinon appeared onto the path, holding a tranquilizer gun. "Who else could've shot that guy THAT expertly?"

"I thought you were on a mission with Greil," Oscar said.

"Meh, we finished early," Shinon replied.

Gatrie sluggishly ran over, huffing and puffing. "Guh...this...armor is so damn heavy..." Gatrie then read the gun's tag. "'For children two and up'...uhh, Shinon?"

"SHUT UP!" Shinon shot Gatrie with a tranquilizer dart. Gatrie fell like a sack of potatoes.

"Haha, two and up," Boyd snickered.

"IT WAS ON SALE, OKAY?" Shinon said, flustered. "I _did_ just save your hides, ya know."

"Actually, you only saved the kids' hides," Oscar said.

Shinon shot Oscar.

"Anyone else?"

Boyd rose his hand.

"What."

"Two and up."

Shinon shot Boyd.

"Enough, Shinon," Titania muttered.

"WAT YOU SAY?" Shinon said, ready to shoot Titania.

"Dude, are you on crack or something?" Ike asked dumbly.

Shinon shot Ike, and was about to shoot Titania, but realized he ran out of darts.

"Damn, that bandit took most of 'em," Shinon mumbled. Only Titania and Rhys were still conscious.

Titania sighed. "All right, you two, we have to haul these bodies back to camp."

"Fine," Shinon muttered, checking for extra ammo.

Eventually Titania and Shinon carried everyone back to their base.

At the barracks...

"Huh, we accidentally brought the bandit, too," Rhys commented.

"Oh dear," Titania said.

"Whatever, we can always dump him in the river," Shinon said, eating.

"But that's water pollution!" Rhys cried! "And we fish in that river!"

"Rhys, Rhys, Rhys," Shinon sighed as he patted Rhys on the back. "We all have to make sacrifices for the better good."

"Isn't there a bog a few acres away?" Titania queried.

"...We're mummifying him?" Rhys asked stupidly.

"No, idiot, we're gonna make him drown in that fen!" Shinon said.

"But he'll get mummified in there," Rhys said.

"HOW DO YOU KNOW?" Shinon screamed. "YOU'RE NOT SOREN!"

"I READ A BOOK!" Rhys cried.

"Fine, we won't mummify him," Titania said. "We'll just donate him to a cannibalistic family."

"Good enough," Rhys said. 

"You mean Gatrie?" Shinon asked.

"Ugh, useless," Titania moaned as she dragged Ikanau's body into a sack. "I'll be gone for a few minutes." She rode off.

"Now we wait for Ike and the others to regain consciousness," Rhys said.

"No, **YOU** do that. I'll grab myself a six-pack," Shinon said as he strided into the kitchen. "FOCK, THERE'S NO BEER!" He checked another shelf. "WHERE DID MY MARTINI GO?"

"Was it an orange container?" Rhys asked.

"Yea--DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH IT?" Shinon hissed, foaming slightly.

"Ohh! Mist used that to fill the horses' troughs," Rhys said. "...Oh."

"I'M COMING!" Shinon ran out of the barracks and to the stables.

"..." Rhys sat waiting for someone to regain consciousness.

At the stables...

"YESH, IT HASN'T BEEN TOUCHED YET!" Shinon shouted in happiness. He then threw his head into the trough and started to drink the beer/martini. Just then, Titania rode in. She just stared.

"That's just sad, Shinon," Titania muttered.

"Shut yer trap," Shinon said between gulps of alcohol.

"...You know horses drink out of that, right?" Titania asked.

Shinon roared at her and continued to drink. Titania sighed, got a new trough for her horse, and walked to the barracks.

'What an asshole,' Titania's horse thought.

At the barracks...

"Titania, you're back!" Rhys cried in glee.

"How are they?" Titania asked.

"Still unconscious. Did you see--"

"Yes," Titania muttered. "Oh yeah, the cannibalistic family didn't want Ikanau. They said he smelled worse than the carrion they usually eat. So I had to dump him in the bog after all," Titania shrugged.

"...So you mummified him?" Rhys asked.

"Yep."

"I TOLD YOU NOT TO!"

---

Lyall: UGH...FINALLY...DONE... (falls)

Ike: (backs off)

Lyall: Soren, do you have that disclaimer banner?

Soren: Working on it... (hunched over dark desk in dark corner)

Boyd: Why are you so emo?

Soren: Why are you so stupid?

Boyd: I think it's genetics. ...Hey!

Soren: Exactly. (goes back to dark corner)

Rolf: Hey, I'm not stupid!

Oscar: Let it go, Rolf...

Shinon: Bah, screw you all. (goes someplace)

Lyall: ...Umm, can't rant anymore. Bye peoples. Gonna go watch Naruto and Bleach within the next four hours.


	3. Of Poop and Paper

Lyall: Oki, third chappie. Only starting this cuz my brother wants to (too lazy...). (sleeps)

Ike: Can I keep a pirate as a pet?

Mist: But it'll kiil you.

Ike: Pssh, I can do ANYTHING! (falls off of cliff)

Oscar: ...Wow.

Rhys: IKE! OH MY GOD!

Lyall: Augh, I can't rant no longer! Noooo! Anyways, Soren's STILL working on a disclaimer banner. Right, Soren?

Soren: (reading a novel too angsty for normal people that was titled "Angsty Angst for Angsty Angsting Angsters") Huh, oh, right. (goes back to reading)

Lyall: ...He's never going to do it, is he?

Ike: What was your first clue?

---

"WHAT KIND OF IMBECILIES ARE YOU?" Greil roared. Ike, Oscar, Boyd, and Rhys were standing sheepishly as Greil was lecturing them on being really stupid to ignore Titania's orders and the risks they took and stuff like that.

"Aw c'mon, Dad, at least we got out alive!" Ike moaned. "We also rescued Mist and Rolf! Isn't that good enough?"

"Yes, that's good, but you still disobeyed direct orders from a higher-ranking official!" Greil countered.

"Nu uh, Rhys was the only one that disobeyed Titania," Boyd said dumbly.

"Well, technically, but..." Titania pondered. "I did only say not to tell Ike..."

"HEY, WHY NOT TELL ME?" Ike whined loudly. "IT WAS MY FREAKING SISTER! NOT RHYS'S!"

"You **let **a bandit take Mist!" Rhys cried. "It's your fault!"

"Oh, and it's my fault that Rolf got kidnapped, too?" Ike snapped.

"NOOOOO! It's all Greil's fault for hiring us," Boyd smartly said.

"SHUT UP, ALL OF YOU!" Greil roared. "Okay, Ike, Boyd, you two are grounded. Oscar, no more cooking. Rhys, no reading. Titania...well, you're okay. God, I'm getting a migraine." Greil left.

Suddenly Gatrie bursted through the mess hall's door (literally).

"You all, Shinon's sleeping in the horses' trough!" he shouted.

"The hell?" Boyd said, puzzled.

"Yeah, it's true!" Gatrie said. "I found him when Mist told me to check up one the horses."

"Where are Mist and Rolf, anyways?" Titania questioned.

An odd silence fell.

"Ehh, they're probably playing dolly or something in the barracks," Ike shrugged.

Greil then barged into the already shattered door. "All right, I just got a new job for you people. Apparently some pirate goons have been terrorizing this port town for some time now. Ike, I'm counting on you to lead this mission, all right?"

"Whoah, I get to lead when I'm grounded?" Ike asked. "AWESOME!"

"Oh no, you're still going to be punished, just later," said Greil. "And thanks for reminding me."

"Commander, you can't be SERIOUS!" Shinon exclaimed.

"I thought you were sleeping off a hangover," said Gatrie.

"Well, got over it," Shinon spat. "Anyways, Commander, have you gone crazy? This whelp couldn't lead a fly!"

"Hey!" Ike whined. "I can lead real good! Boyd, Oscar, Rhys, remember yesterday?"

"You sucked," Oscar said.

"..." Rhys had no comment.

"You used me as a shield!" Boyd protested.

"ENOUGH!" Greil roared (yet again...). "Okay, Shinon, since you're so scared, you can go with Ike, too. Gatrie and Titania, you two go as well. Titania, make sure the boy doesn't drown himself."

"Screw this," Shinon mumbled.

"Yes, a mission!" Gatrie said.

"Well, we should get ready then, right?" Titania suggested. The four got their battle armor on and went to Port Talma (though Shinon had to be dragged).

Eventually, after Shinon screeching about not wanting to be here, the group arrived at the port.

"Holy crap, there really ARE pirates here," Ike said, staring around.

"...You seriously have no experience, do you?" Shinon muttered.

"All right, our objective is to help the townspeople and kill pirates," Ike stated. "So...uhh, what's our plan?"

"Well, _you're_ the commander," Shinon scoffed. "YOU have to think of something."

"That sucks," Ike grumbled. "Usually Soren would come up with something."

"Tough nails, he's not here," Shinon growled. "Now come up with something or I'm gonna shoot you. You already bug me enough living on the same continent as I do."

"Well, Shinon, wanna do our thunder and lightning maneuvers?" Gatrie asked.

"Meh, why not," Shinon replied.

"All right. Shinon, Gatrie, secure the perimeter. Me and Titania will go loot more stuff from the people," Ike said.

"Isn't it 'Titania and I'?" Gatrie pondered out loud.

"...WAIT, WE DON'T HAVE A HEALER!" Ike moaned.

"Don't worry, I brought a few extra Vul--" Titania started, but was cut off by Ike grabbing his Vulnerary and scarfing it down.

"Ah, that was good," Ike said.

"You moron, you just drank three servings of Vulnerary!" Shinon yelled. "That was your only healing resource! Now you're gonna get bad diarrhea in the next coupla hours."

"...Oh crap," Ike said. "Oh well, there will be a bathroom back at the base. Anyways, I can take Titania's. She never uses any."

"Um, okay," Titania said. "I have an Elixir, anyway."

"HOARDER!" Shinon shouted, pointing at Titania. "YOU JUST TAKE ALL OF THE GOOD STUFF, DONTCHA?"

"Ummmmm, we should start," Titania suggested.

"Okay, let's fight!" Ike shouted. Alas, the grid came up again. "Ooh, lines."

Gatrie charged at nearby bandits, scaring the crap out of them, while Shinon rained arrows on them from a rooftop. He also hit Gatrie a few times, just to see his reaction. Ike and Titania went over to the closest house (and the **only **house you could visit). Ike went inside.

"Hi, Nasir!" Ike greeted cheerfully.

"Ike, you're not supposed to know me yet," Nasir sighed.

"Ohh, right. Hi, person-whom-I've-never-met-before! What do I get?" 

"Here, this might help, young one." Nasir handed Ike an Elixir. "Now get out." Nasir kicked Ike out onto the street.

"Okay, Ike, don't be impulsive. Give me the Elixir," Titania said.

"NOYOUALREADYHAVEONE!" Ike screamed.

"Ike, you're just going to drink it. And your diarrhea'll come faster," Titania sighed.

"MIIIINE!"

"Ugh..."

Ike and Titania saw that Gatrie was being clobbered to bits. Titania quickly grabbed Ike by the collar and rode over to Gatrie and Shinon.

"How are things holding up here?" Titania asked.

"Meh, fair enough," Shinon replied as he shot a Myrmidon.

"I need an Elixir!" Gatrie shouted. "Ike, gimme that!" Gatrie grabbed the Elixir out of Ike's hands and chugged the whole thing down. "Ah, that's better."

"Gatrie, you're not supposed to drink more than one use at a time!" Titania cried. "Now you'll get instant diarrhea."

Gatrie felt his stomach gurgle. "Oh gawd..."

"Let's use his poop as projectile weapons!" Ike suggested.

"Good idea," Shinon said. "Okay, Gatrie, try to aim your poop at the pirates on the ship."

"Aw man, this sucks," Gatrie mumbled. "Fine." Titania looked away, green with disgust.

"THUNDER!" Ike cheered. Just then, everyone in the town heard the world's most disturbing mix of gurgling and a boom. A wad of turd launched onto a guy on the ship.

"Oh, that's a **SQUISHY** one!" Ike said, somewhat amazed.

On the ship...

"OH GAWD!" the unlucky bandit cried in agony. "IT'S BLUE AND IT SMELLS LIKE...OH, FUCK! TOTALLY SICK, MAN!"

On mainland, Ike couldn't stop roaring in laughter, rolling around on the dirt. Shinon kept firing arrows.

"Wow, the poo's doing more damage than my arrows," Shinon remarked.

"I think it's doing more than what I'm doing!" Titania said as she slashed a Bandit.

"Guys, I'm gonna loot the ship nao, 'kay?" Ike said.

The town heard the gurgling noise again.

"IT'S COMING!" Ike screamed, ducking behind barrels. Full of beer. Unbeknownst to Shinon.

Another poop ball sailed through the air and shot down one of Havetti's men.

"Johnson, what happened?" Havetti shouted as his right-hand man was slowly getting killed by the turd.

"Tell...my grandmudda...dat I loved her," Johnson meekly whispered.

"But she's **HUGE**!" Havetti shrieked.

Back to Gatrie and his turds.

"C'mon, Titania, let's loot the ship!" Ike said. "Gatrie, don't kill us with poo, okay?" He and Titania started advancing to the ship. Just then, a Pegasus Knight flew on the ship, next to Havetti.

"Hey, sea monkey, you told me you knew where my brother was!" the Pegasus Knight shouted to Havetti.

"DONTCHA SEE WE'RE IN A CRISIS?" Havetti screeched at the girl.

"Fine! Hmph!" the Pegasus Knight flew off to the other side of the ship.

"Johnson, hang on!"

"But...the closest 1-Up...is five...miles away," Johnson gasped, his health being sapped by the toxic feces. "Tell my wife I loved her," Johnson added.

"YOU DON'T GOTS A WIFE!" Havetti cried.

"Then...get me one..." Johnson said before...dun dun dun dunnnnnnnnn...he died. (OMG)

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Havetti cried. "JOHNSON!!!"

Back to Shinon.

"Lemme clip that birdie," Shinon said as he shot Marcia. She fell off into the sea.

**PLEASE STAND BY...**

**PLEASE STAND BY...**

**PLEASE STAND BY...**

**PLEASE STAND BY...**

Marcia was back on the ship, except soaking wet. Ike ran up to her.

"Hey, what are you doing here?" Ike asked.

"Umm, nothing..." Marcia sheepishly said. "What are you here for?"

Ike heard his stomach gurgle. "AW GOD, WE HAFTA HURRY! Okay, I'm here to kill the bandits. You run while me and my friends distract the enemy, all right?"

"Umm, oki," Marcia agreed. "Thanks. I'll be sure to repay you sometime!" She winked and flew off on her pegasus.

"Aw gawd, I'm seasick!" Ike moaned.

"But the ship's not moving," Titania pointed out.

"HURRY!"

"R-Right!"

Ike and Titania quickly sweeped the ship deck of any remaining life.

After the battle...

"Ugh, I need toilet paper," Gatrie mumbled.

"Here's some oak," Ike said, handing Gatrie "oak" leaves.

"These don't smell like any oak I know," Gatrie muttered. After, erm, doing his duties (eww!), Gatrie made a remark.

"I'm kinda itchy now..."

"Whelp, where did you get those leaves?" Shinon asked.

"Oh, from that tree there," Ike pointed to a tree.

"...That's poison oak," Titania calmly said.

"That'd explain the itching," Gatrie said.

"Oh, I found a roll of toilet paper," Titania said, holding a roll.

"You couldn't do that a few minutes ago?" Gatrie whined.

"Guys...we NEED to go!" Ike screamed, squirming around.

"SO...IIIITCHY!" Gatrie cried. "TRANQUILIZE MEH!"

"Yesss...!" Shinon shot Gatrie with happiness.

The four went back to the base. Ike had to ride on Titania's horse, since he couldn't move, or he'd...yeah, you know.

Back at the base...

"So, how'd the mission go?" Greil asked, reading The Tellian Tabloid.

"Fair," Titania said.

"Oscar, Boyd, and the kids fell asleep, waiting," Greil said, flipping a page.

"CAN'T TALK, CAN'T TALK!" Ike screamed and ran to the bathroom. Just as he entered...

(poop noise)

"AW, NUTS!"

---

Lyall: Ugh, so creepy. (hides) Blame my brother if this chapter made you feel uncomfortable and/or squeamish.

Gatrie: That's not nice...

Lyall: Oh yeah, good news. SOREN'S IN THE NEXT CHAPTER!!! (lots of small, pink hears pop up)

Soren: ... (continues reading angst book)

Lyall: And no, I don't think Soren's angsty. He does look somewhat similar to Sasuke (Naruto), though. Yay! Like once, I was trying to draw Soren, but I eventually drew Sasuke... And Kurthnaga! He looks almost exactly like Akira (Hikaru No Go)! Oh em gee! (in "creepy otaku fangirl" mode)

Oscar: Umm, okay...

Lyall: Hehe, it's 12:30 in the morning. (eye twitches) OMG I'M LIKE IKEY NAO! Speaking of which, the IkexSoren **supports** (**NOT **fan pairing) are the best. And some people think Soren's a girl. What the hell. I hate yaoi. Yuri's better, but...still...ehh. Anyways, bye.


	4. ROADSIDE BATTLE! OH YEAH!

Lyall: OMIGOSHSOREN'SGONNAAPPEARINTHISCHAPPIEYAYAYAYYAY! (lots of blue fish appear)

Rolf: Umm, fish?

Lyall: I like fish.

Ike: Me, too. I like salmon.

Boyd: Salmon. Salmonella. Heheh.

Soren: Oh yeah, you two got that before, didn't you?

Ike: Oh yeah...that sucked. Waking up at three in the morning to puke for five hours. Oh, joy.

Boyd: Eww.

Lyall: (still ranting and obsessing about Soren in her mind)

Shinon: (toying around with some pulleys)

Gatrie: Uhh, Shinon, what's that?

Shinon: Making something cool.

Gatrie: ...With an Ike doll?

Shinon: It's the test subject.

Ike: (not happy) I bet it's a guillotine.

Shinon: Ah, so close, but no. (tweaking stuff)

Titania: Who made the doll? It's kinda cute.

Shinon: Oscar and Mist, methinks. Dunno. (screwing stuff together)

Lyall: Oki, I don't own Fire Emblem, its characters, settings, etc.

---

In the outskirts of Melior, Daein troops were abundant. The capital city was in flames, black smoke billowing into the blue sky. Crowds of civillians were fleeing Melior, among them a young, black-clad Mage.

"..."

At the Greil Mercenaries' base, it was a seemingly normal day.

"Okay, Ike, I'll put my purple and yellow pencil for that metal paintbrush," Boyd said, placing his colored pencil on the bet "table" (which was actually one of Soren's books that Boyd took).

"I'll toss in one piece of Gold," Ike said, throwing a small pebble of Gold on the book.

"That's a Gold **Gem**," Titania pointed out.

"Ooh, too bad, Ike. Anything that touches the table, stays on the table," Boyd said, snickering.

"Blast," Ike muttered. "I found it in Soren's room, too, anyway. It's not every day that you can steal some of Soren's stuff, you know. Lucky he's someplace with that other group."

All of a sudden, Rolf walked into the mess hall, wearing Soren's robes, though way too big for him. Ike and Boyd pointed and laughed.

"Hey, look, it's Mini-Soren!" Ike exclaimed.

"Mist made me wear these..." Rolf mumbled.

Just then, Greil, Oscar, Rhys, and Mist came in, with hoards of Soren's stuff.

"LET'S HAVE A SOREN PARTY!" Greil said.

"I don't know if we should..." Titania pondered.

"I **COMMAND** you!" Greil commanded. "Okay, everyone, dress up like Soren, dim the lights, and act all angsty."

Thirty minutes later, everyone was dressed up (much to the dismay to some). Ike, Boyd, and Greil seemed to have the most fun parodying Soren.

"Durr, durr, durr, cut wrist, durr, durr, durr..." Ike said stupidly while playing around with tape.

"I'm Soren, and I'm so angsty. FEEL BAD!" Boyd yelled, running around, hitting people with a Elwind tome.

"I'M TEH GRIM REAPER!" Greil shouted, wearing Soren's robes, but tattered, to give it an eerie effect.

Outside, Shinon was testing his machine, with Gatrie as the test subject.

"Okay, Gatrie, hold still," Shinon ordered as he hoisted Gatrie into the air.

"What's this machine for, anyway?" Gatrie asked.

"Okay, this is a ambush-type thing. We can use it if we get another fat Knight, preferably ugly with disturbing children."

"Uh, all right...?"

Back inside...

"GUYS, GUYS, SOREN'S COMING BACK!" Oscar wailed.

"What the hell? He wasn't supposed to come back for another month!" Ike whined.

"HIDE AND TURN OFF THE LIGHTS!" Rolf screeched.

The mess hall became quiet and dark.

Soren kept running to the base and burst through the door to the mess hall.

"What the..." Soren noticed the room unusually dark. He looked around and randomly cast Fire.

"GUAAHAHAAAAAH!" Soren heard Boyd's mangled scream. Soren secretly snickered to himself.

"SURPRISE!" Greil and Ike shouted in horrible unison. Everyone was wearing his robes, and his stuff was thrown around (OMG total lack of respect). Boyd was rolling around on the floor, trying to put the flames out.

"..." Soren slightly twitched.

"It was Daddy's idea!" Mist cried. "Me and Rolf and Titania and Oscar and Rhys didn't wanna!"

"...I see you've been in my room," Soren calmly said.

"Yeeeaaaahhh..." Ike said, smiling stupidly.

"It's fun raiding your stuff," Boyd added, still on fire.

An awkward silence issued.

"I'm the Grim Reaper!" Greil spontaneously said.

"ARE THOSE MY BOOKS AND GEMS?" Soren screamed, noticing his tomes and gems scattered everywhere. He then started to cast random spells throughout the base.

"Oh no, Soren snapped!" Rolf screamed shrilly. "RUN FOR IT!" Everyone fled the mess hall, trying to run away from that thunderbolt or that fireball or whatnot. After a good twenty minutes, Soren got sleepy. At least he nailed most of the people. Rhys was constantly busy, healing everyone. Boyd was then hit by Elfire.

"THIRD DEGREE BURNS!" Boyd screamed, as most of his back, chest, and arms were covered in burns.

"Some of my hair got zapped off," Ike sadly said. The tips of his hair were slightly blackened.

"I lost my pants," Greil said.

"That's your lesson," Soren yawned. "Anyways, you three," he said, pointing to Greil, Boyd, and Ike, "are going to put all of my stuff that still intact in my room. If you don't, I have a special surprise for you next morning."

"I don't wanna," the three said in unison.

"Too bad, it looks like you're getting the surprise," Soren sighed.

"...What's the surprise?" Ike asked.

"A Lego brick up your butt," Soren said.

"Yeah, right," Boyd said.

"Umm, guys, I don't think he's lying," Ike said, scared. "Remember the pineapple incident last year?"

"Soren, me and Rolf are done with getting your stuff in your room!" Mist happily said.

"Yeah! Now we're gonna watch Uncle Shinon hang Gatrie," Rolf said. The two ran off.

"What was I going to tell you all..." Soren pondered. "Oh yeah, could everyone go back into the mess hall?"

Everyone went back inside. Soren was setting up a projector, and Ike hung one of Boyd's bed sheets over a wall. All of the others took a seat at the tables.

"All right, all of you, I have some very disturbing and yet important information," Soren stated.

"OSCAR'S PREGNANT?" Ike exclaimed.

"My mommy never loved me?" Greil whimpered.

"Oompa Loompa Island actually exists?" Rolf asked.

"SHUT UP!" Soren shouted. "No, none of those, though the second one's probably true. Anyways, you all know that I was traveling with another mercenary group, correct?"

"No," half of the group said.

"We just assumed you went to Atlantis," Ike shrugged.

"Ike, Atlantis doesn't exist," Soren sighed.

"IT DOESN'T?" Ike cried, on the verge of tears.

"Grow a penis," Shinon said.

"I'll have you know, I'm average-sized," Ike smugly said.

"Uhh, TMI...?" Mist mumbled.

"Ugh, useless," Soren muttered. "Listen up! You know of the Crimean capital, Melior, yes?"

"...We're in Crimea?" Greil asked. "They told me this was Rausten!"

Soren thought against strangling him. "...Yes, we're in Crimea. Do you know the capital?"

"MY NAME STARTS WITH A CAPITAL!" Ike cheered.

"Yes it does, Ike, yes it does," Soren sighed, rubbing his temples. Oh, death couldn't come any faster.

"So, what's the info you got?" Boyd asked, actually semi-normal for once.

"The capital city, Melior, is currently under attack by--" Soren started.

"ELVES!" Boyd shouted.

"...No, the--" Soren tried talking again.

"OOMPA LOOMPAS!" Rolf shrieked.

"No, the--!" Soren tried again.

"SPACEMEN!" Greil shouted.

"AUGH! HOW DO YOU LIVE WITH YOURSELVES? THEY WERE ATTACKED BY--" Soren screamed and got cut off by Ike.

"ELVEN OOMPA LOOMPAS FROM SPACE!"

Soren quickly whipped out a roll of gray duct tape from his pocket, ripped a decent size off, and slapped it onto Ike's mouth.

"Mmrffnm!" Ike tried to scream.

"That'll shut you up," Soren declared. "Anyway, Melior was attacked by--"

"DESIANS!" Greil shouted.

He got masking tape slapped on, too.

Soren sighed. "Daeins."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUGGHHH!" Ike screamed in pain as he ripped off the duct tape. Yes, we know, he's not a very smart boy. "What about Daeins?" he asked.

Soren suddenly got a calm look on his face, pulled out a gun from his pocket, and pointed it towards his mouth.

"No, Soren, no," Titania said, taking the pistol away. "Please continue."

Soren took a deep breath. "Daein troops have invaded Melior, destroyed the majority of it, and killed all of the townspeople."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGHHH!" Greil screamed as he ripped off his piece of duct tape. "Why didn't you tell us that earlier?" he roared. "And great, there goes my awesome 'stache."

Soren sighed, then turned on the projector. Titania flipped the light switch off. A square of light appeared on the bed sheet. Soren got a transparency and laid it on the projector. A picture of normal Melior appeared on the sheet.

"This is Melior before the attack," he simply said.

"Oh, it--" Ike said, but got cut off by Soren.

"Yes, Ike, it starts with a capital, too."

Ike mouthed an 'Oh' and sat back down (he was standing?).

Soren then replaced the slide with another picture of Melior, except with fire drawn everywhere, and black stick figures on the floor.

"This is Melior, post Daein attack."

"POST--" Ike got cut off again.

"Yes, the postman does exist," Soren said dully.

"Then so--"

"No, the Easter Bunny does not exist."

"Bu--"

"NO."

Ike sat back down, frowning.

In the corner, Rolf and Mist were playing patty cake.

Anyways...

"Hey, it's not like Boyd to not talk for this long," Greil said. He poked Boyd. A snore escaped Boyd's mouth. "Ohh, he's sleeping..."

Soren ripped off yet another piece of duct tape, put it on Boyd's face, and ripped it off.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGHHHH!" Boyd screamed. "AM I MISSING AN **EYEBROW**?"

"NOW that I have your attention," Soren said, "what do you think we should do about this? I have presented all of the information."

At the moment, Ike was drooling, Greil was actually thinking, Boyd was holding his face, Mist and Rolf were still playing together, Oscar was fiddling with a piece of string, Rhys was thinking, Titania was also thinking, Shinon was dumbly staring at a fly, and Gatrie was poking his fat.

"Heheh, it jiggled," Gatrie remarked.

"Focus...," Soren sighed.

"All right, obviously we need to scout for more information," Greil sternly said. "We can't absentmindedly rush into the situation without further information."

"Agreed," said Titania. "The wisest path would be to scan the area surrounding Melior."

"But we shouldn't meddle in business that's not ours," Soren said. "It wouldn't do well for the company to be involved with a worldwide war."

"So you're saying we should abandon our country?" Ike screamed.

"Ike's got a point," Oscar said. "Crimea is responsible for all of our supplies and such."

"Let's think realistically, shall we?" Soren said. "If we get tangled up in this to-be war, nothing good will come of it."

"How can you say that?" Ike shouted. "I think we should protect Crimea!"

...The realism burns, doesn't it? And now it, like all good things, will die.

"I agree with Soren," said Boyd. "Daein amusement parks are the best!"

"Boyd!" Ike whined. "You can't side with the evil side!"

"But they have the Limb Lasher! And the Spleen Slicer...!"

"BOYD!"

"Fine, fine, fine," Boyd grumbled. "But only because you're being all gay about it."

"Okay, majority wins. Who wants to help Crimea?" Greil asked. The majority of the group raised their hands.

"Okay, now who sides with Stinky?" Greil asked. Boyd rose his hand half-way. Soren got out a Twix.

"TWIX!" Greil cried.

Soren slowly opened the wrapper.

"MY TWIIIIXX!"

Soren ate the Twix.

"NOOOOOOOO!" Greil screamed in agony, and collapsed onto the floor. Soren snickered. Greil then got back up and wiped some tears out of his eyes.

"So, that settles it, right?" he asked.

"Yep! I WANNA SEE DEAD PEOPLE!" Ike exclaimed. "THAT DON'T SMELL LIKE IKANAU!"

"Heh, necrophilliac," Boyd smirked.

"WAT DID JOO SAY?" Ike screamed at Boyd.

"I can launch rocks with my fat!" Gatrie cheered.

"SILENCE, NOOBS!" Greil roared. "All of you, except Mist and Rolf, will go on a scouting mission. Evade the Daeins and try to find any survivors. Ike, you're the commander of this mission."

"Yes, Commander!" Titania, Oscar, and Rhys said in unison.

"Woo, I command! And yay, I'm a scout!" Ike cheered. "...Uhh, what's a scout?"

"I think it's a cheerleader," Boyd said. "Or a mascot or something."

"Eww," Ike shuddered. "Anyways, let's MOVE OUT! GO GREIL MERCENARIES GO!"

Eventually, the group made their way to the battle-scarred outskirts of the former Melior. ...Y'know, since the place got destroyed and all.

"Uhh, guys, what do we do?" Ike asked.

"WTF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT SCOUTING IS?" Shinon screeched. "HOW CAN A WHORE LIKE YOU EVEN EXIST WITH NORMAL PEOPLE LIKE ME?"

Everyone stared at Shinon.

"Shinon, are you drunk?" Titania asked.

"No, but this should do it," Shinon said, holding a bottle of sake. "I'm gonna get good and drunk before we fight anything."

"I think I have a hernia," Gatrie whimpered.

"Anyways, Ike, scouting means--" Soren tried to explain, but got cut off. Man, that happens a lot!

"HEALYBUSH!" Ike cheered and ran to a nearby healhedge. "YAY!"

"Umm, there were some healhedges in an earlier chapter, you know," Oscar pointed out.

"...Really?" Ike asked. "BUT WHATEVER! THESE ARE COOLER! Half of them are burned!" Ike then started petting the bush. "Ehh, you all, go scout...or whatever we're supposed to do."

Everyone sighed and went scouting, with the exception of Ike, whom was entirely engrossed with rolling around the perimeter of the area (at the speed of light, I think). All of a sudden, a group of battered-looking soliders came trudging along. They were moaning, whining, and even a few were crying like little kids.

"Ugh...I lost my leg."

"OMG MEH HEAD'S BLEEDIN'!"

"Duhh..."

"I DON'T WANNA FIGHT FOR DAEIN NO MORE!"

The last one got skewered by Maijin, their huge leader.

"YOU ALL MUST WORSHIP DAEIN WITH YOUR VERY SOULS! OH YEAH!"

The Greil Mercenaries saw the Daein soldiers almost immediately, thanks to the raucous yelling.

"Hey, I think they're Daein," dumbly said Boyd.

"Ya think?" sarcastically said Shinon. "Look at that dude, with the flag."

One Daein was holding a humongous banner that said the following:

**WE ARE DAEIN SOLDIERS. OH YEAH!**

"...Ohhh," said Boyd. "Sorry, didn't see that. I was too busy poking this pile of red stuff." Boyd was crouching, poking a red mass with a half-broken twig.

"...That's blood," said Titania. "And I think we should hide, or the Daeins will see us."

"That's not exactly possible," said Soren. "If we go too far away, Ike might kill someone. With his stupid rolling. And I doubt we can tell him to stop. Apparently he's enjoying himself."

Ike was giggling as he was rolling around. Anywhere he rolled immediately turned into a small, dirt path.

"HEY, LOOKEY, TROOPS! CRIMEAN MEAT! OH YEAH!" boomed Maijin.

"Uhh, he saw us," said Gatrie. "What now?"

"Let's just see what he does," suggested Soren. "Anyways, I don't feel like doing anything."

"Ditto," Shinon and Oscar said in unison.

"CRIMEAN MEAT, SINCE YOU'RE TRESPASSED INTO OUR UNOFFICIAL DAEIN TERRITORY, YOU WILL BE TERMINATED! OH YEAH!"

"...He talks funny, Titania," said Boyd.

"Yes, he does," replied Titania.

"NOW, PREPARE TO FACE MY--" Maijin looked around and found his dozens of men cut in half. "THE HECK? OH YEAH!"

"Hey, looks like Ike gave us a break," said Shinon. "Good. I'm gonna go get drunk now." Shinon took out five sake bottles and started chugging them down.

"DUDE, YOUR DUDE KILLED MY DUDES! OH YEAH!" screamed Maijin. "LET'S GO! OH YEAH!"

Shinon pushed Maijin into Ike's trajectory path. Maijin got cut in half, too.

"Hell right, bitch," said Shinon, half-conscious and with an alcohol percentage of ninety-three percent. He then swayed and fell with a thud. Strangely, Ike stopped rolling.

"MY GAWD, I'M RED!" screamed Ike. "MOMMYYYYY!" Ike started crying.

Everyone just stared. Shinon was making a strange, gurgling noise.

"...We should head back to base," said Soren, turning back.

"Indeed," agreed Oscar.

Gatrie was stuck with dragging Shinon back. Ike eventually stopped crying and was chatting with Boyd.

After like...a while...they got back. Greil was again reading some of Tellius's tabloid magazines.

"Hey, so how did scouting go?" asked Greil.

"Horrible! I'm red nao!" whined Ike. "And I just got this pretty shade of bluu!"

"I'm...exhau..sted," panted Gatrie. "And...Shinon...is...guh..."

"He's drunk," said Boyd. "And really good drunk, too! Oh ya, I also gots to see dead people!"

"Uhh, that's all good and all, but where's Rhys?" asked Greil. "He has to do some heavy-duty laundry later. Rolf got another nightmare."

"..."

"OH SHIT, WE FORGOT HIM!"

...They got Rhys back.

The next day, at dawn...

"DUDE, I POOPED OUT A LEGO BRICK!" screamed Ike.

"And you'd think Soren would be kidding with something like that," muttered Boyd. "I got a Lego dude."

"I got a Arc 170 Starfighter," said Greil.

"Gawd, Soren, how do you do it?" whined Boyd.

"...Well, I first get the Legos. Boyd, I ran out of the standard two by four, so I used a person. And Commander, typical blocks were too small."

"..."

"..."

"..."

---

Lyall: ...Wow, it's almost midnight.

Ike: (playing Radiant Dawn)

Lyall: WHO SAID YOU COULD TOUCH MY GAME? (smacks Ike)

Ike: Hey, I'm a main character! And I look awesome. (goes back to the Wii)

Sothe: Well, I'm a mancakes.

(everyone stares at Sothe)

Lyall: OMG IT'S TRUE. (bug-eyed)

Micaiah: Umm, hi?

Lyall: WRONG STORY, MICAIAH. YOU APPEAR AFTER THIS STUPID STORY'S DONE! (boots Micaiah back into magical portal)

Geoffrey: ...

Lyall: What are you doing here?

Geoffrey: ...I don't know, actually. You just put me here.

Lyall: I guess I did. (Geoffrey falls into random pit) Well, au revoir, people! Hey, I know French! Cool.


End file.
